Mysteries So Bright

From my journal:

16 December 2012

In re-reading I Dared to Call Him Father by Bilquis Sheikh I am reminded of how close she walked with God and could instantly sense when the pleasure of His presence would begin to fade. She would seek a reason for it and usually it was some decision she was about to enact, or something that she had done, that was not His will. She learned to quickly repent of the action or thought and would then experience a return of the warmth and comfort of His glorious presence.

I don’t know if I have ever had that closeness. I can remember a few times – the times that I call “mountain top experiences” but I never imagined that I could stay in that ethereal atmosphere by just yielding completely to His will, to abide there as a real resting place. And yet there are many scriptures that point to that very possibility. What else could Jesus mean, for example, in John 17 where He talks about our having His joy fulfilled in us. And “that they may be one as we are one.” And “I have revealed you to them and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be theirs and that I myself may be in them.”

So, by faith, I declare that this can be my reality also. I pray, Lord, that You would sharpen my sensitivity to leaving the narrow path that You have set before me, to hear that voice, “turn neither to the left or to the right”, even though the way seems dark and bewildering at that moment. Help me, Lord, to follow the guidance of this scripture.  Amen

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:5-9

17 December 2012

It occurred to me today a possible answer to the above question. Is it possible that I too can learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in the way that Bilquis Sheikh was? I think I may have have that sensitivity “meter” already – maybe the absence of the Lord is evident whenever I get that dark cloud over my soul which I get when I am depressed. Whether or not that is a true indicator, I think my tendency to “indulge” in those negative moods is certainly a sin for me.

I ask You, Lord,  to remove whatever has caused my separation from You, and if it is some bad decision or a reaction to some irritation, I ask You to pinpoint what it was and that I repent of it. Amen

30 December 2012

Wow! The above prayers have been miraculously answered. I have been relatively “upbeat” ever since. I don’t think I have been critical, even in thoughts, of my wife the last 2 weeks. That is truly a miracle because I am constantly critical of everything about her. And I seem more sensitive and attuned to the feelings of the Spirit of the Lord in my heart.

Thank You and praise Your name, Lord! Amen.

03 January 2013

It finally happened: I dreamed late this morning that I had lost it – that there was something wrong – that the glory of the Lord that I have been experiencing for several days had faded. And I awoke to the realization that I had drifted from gazing at the face of Jesus and had found something else to take pleasure in. And it came to me that last night at the men’s bible study, while we discussed the first chapter of Genesis, that I had climbed up on my platform to pontificate about why evolution was wrong – trying to use intellectual arguments to convince the other guys of my point of view. And as I examine my true motives, I was in reality trying to get them to acknowledge my wisdom and knowledge as a scientist – it was all about me.

While I was delivering my dogmatic opinions, I even had a check in my heart to stop, but I ran right through that road block (the Lord is always gentle), hurrying to get my ideas across before the other guys had a chance to interrupt me. My flesh is so ugly when the covering of the Holy Spirit is removed – and I was the one who cast off that covering.

I am so sorry, Lord. Please come back and immerse me again in your glorious self. I sinned and I ask for your forgiveness.

Thank you, Lord. Praise Your glorious Name. Your joy has returned. Amen.

16 January 2013 – “How Soon You Have Fallen”

Oh Lord, now the “normal” times seem to be returning when I lapse back into being used to Your absence. I have been aware of getting grumpy toward my wife and generally being unhappy. I know You are not surprised that I slip and yet You still love me. You even see ahead to the day when I will remain in Your presence full time.

I wonder where I turned off the ancient path this time? Well, I guess I can be encouraged that it was less than 13 days ago according to this journal. That is better than my recent history when I go on for weeks and weeks or maybe months without any intimacy with You. I think that this time it was my usual way of getting distracted, fixing my eyes on the “good” things around me, for example, good novels and good TV shows/movies. And I guess it started with my illness which I have suffered for those two weeks.

And it is by Your grace that “I hear You calling, ‘Come, come, come’ “

 I Will Run by Freddy Rodriguez – YouTube

Only Your grace
Only Your grace
Only You can set me free

Only Your love
Has captured my heart
I hear You calling
Come, come, come

So I will run
Forever I will run
Unto You, oh God
Now You have my heart
So I will, I will run
Forever I will run
Run to You, oh God
Where else can I go
Forever I will run

Thank You for that song. Since I became aware of Your “absence” the last couple of days, I have been searching my mind to find what I can do to get back to You, what works can I do to reacquire the intimacy. And this song reminds me that there is nothing I can do – this too is all grace. It is a matter of surrender to Your love. Amen.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Once again, Lord, I ask you to increase my sensing of Your absence.
Thank You, Lord. You have returned (I know that really means that I have returned). I feel Your presence and am full of joy once again. Amen.

15 January 2013 (written 16 Jan):

This was my birthday and I really enjoyed the attention that I received from many friends and my family. But I turned to Chambers for Jan. 15 and saw that it fit exactly what happened on Dec. 17 of last year. I think I finally attended my own “white funeral” as Chambers calls it:

My Upmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers January 15

Do You Walk In White?

“We were buried with Him . . . that just as Christ was raised from the dead . . . even so we also should walk in newness of life” — Romans 6:4

No one experiences complete sanctification without going through a “white funeral”-the burial of the old life. If there has never been this crucial moment of change through death, sanctification will never be more than an elusive dream. There must be a “white funeral,” a death with only one resurrection-a resurrection into the life of Jesus Christ. Nothing can defeat a life like this. It has oneness with God for only one purpose— to be a witness for Him.

Have you really come to your last days? You have often come to them in your mind, but have you really experienced them? You cannot die or go to your funeral in a mood of excitement. Death means you stop being. You must agree with God and stop being the intensely striving kind of Christian you have been. We avoid the cemetery and continually refuse our own death. It will not happen by striving, but by yielding to death. It is dying— being “baptized into His death” (Romans 6:3).

Have you had your “white funeral,” or are you piously deceiving your own soul? Has there been a point in your life which you now mark as your last day? Is there a place in your life to which you go back in memory with humility and overwhelming gratitude, so that you can honestly proclaim, “Yes, it was then, at my ’white funeral,’ that I made an agreement with God.”

“This is the will of God, your sanctification . . .” (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Once you truly realize this is God’s will, you will enter into the process of sanctification as a natural response. Are you willing to experience that “white funeral” now? Will you agree with Him that this is your last day on earth? The moment of agreement depends on you.

And that is the testimony of the miraculous work that my Lord has wrought, or rather is in process of doing it. Amen.